


A charade...

by TheSoulLessOne30



Category: No Fandom
Genre: F/M, Love, Sorrow, Uncertainty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-30
Updated: 2016-08-30
Packaged: 2018-08-12 00:54:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,053
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7914082
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSoulLessOne30/pseuds/TheSoulLessOne30
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One of my many personal works regarding love, my love for a most loved one, Until now my biggest work.<br/>I welcome all criticism, and opinions. And please do tell if you would want more content like this one or If I should try to change the subject, Even though the subject of love is the one I feel more at ease to write about.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A charade...

I walk this earth. Slowly, full of rage, calm, absent, alone. I walk it day by day trying to not let my body degrade as it will do one day, but I am walking above all, in search of love, this so called „special” feeling that all of humans crave and talk about. Love, I’ve had it once, it was breath taking, frantic, above my biggest of expectations, but upon my touch, it... It crumbled. I was told , that it did not dissapear, only faded , faded into cinders waiting to be rekindled. Or... so I was told...  
The strings of my soul are touched day by day by this ever growing hunger for human affection for your affection my beloved whos name I shall not share. I thought that for once I’ve made peace with my loneliness, But you reapperead, the flame was reignited, my sorrrow yet again marching through my mind, anger rampaging through my body, frustration steadily making its way into my heart, I am not myself, yet again I... I crave your love. I am weak.  
I never agreed to all of this, me being here and you being so far away, like a distant wishful dream, never to be dreamt again. Only remembered within a bare minimum of fragments.  
I will always put you above all , for you have shattered my conceptions of people, of women, and above all of me. This may not be right within your eyes, but it is the rightest thing I may have done until now with my life, and with my power of making decisions. I want you all for myself, ah... I am selfish, but you’ve made me so, you, are forever eating at my reason, at my logic, Damn this logic! Damn it all for chaining me up within this place, within myself, Whenever I struggle to fissure, to rip apart, all these chains, they just outnumber me, again and again, because weakness never leaves my side, if only you would do the same...  
At the first sight of your ilustruous person , I wanted to smother you, to dedicate all I am to you, and to never leave your side, I did ask myself, and still do at times, if you are worthy of all this. This dedication that I have for you, this absolution I have only for you. But who am I kidding? You are forever blind to my actions ,cause face it ,I am not what you wish for. I opened myself as the book that I am, engraved with a certain name, I opened to you, I showed you what I am, what I yearn for, what I need , and above all that I love you. As the train left and you’ve turned your back on me, frightened but still fighting myself and my suffering, I teared through the chains and yelled in a pathetic way sadly, „You are my happiness! I love you.” . Only to see your face almost inexpresive, In that moment I questioned you... within myself of course, but I did not have time to do so. I took a right and entered the empty train compartment, Trembling , crying, hurting, cause you did not let me in, not the way I wanted, cause it’s been so long in this cage I’ve been. And you, yes you, You closed your eyes, and I opened mine. Years of agony and despair, loneliness and sadness, facadess, faces , all of them have fallen down in that very moment and I did not know, how to be me, or who me was... I cried more than I did as I lost mom, my body felt frail, I wanted you , I needed you, I wanted to give away my life for a second with you, but all was in vain, only thoughts as this train of thoughts was departing for my city, far away from my happiness, You.  
But what am I saying? I am lamenting over spilled milk! What have I done?! Oh... I’ve shown my true self, heh , if only it would be so easy... or is it? I dont quite know anymore... Why did you have to reappear in my life?  
I still love you, I acknowledge that, but to what degree I cannot tell, I want to look you in the eye and whisper or shout from all my heart, Be mine! But would it help? I doubt it... I went to church literally with you once, and in that very moment, as we were outside, together , me crying and you in a somewhat inexpresive or not how I wished state, I wished upon that moment... I imagined, I craved, To one day marry you, me the one who never wanted and never will want to marry someone, I have enough shackles on myself, I don’t wish for another, one for a lifetime, no thank you society. But... you managed to make me want to marry you, to make you mine, and make myself yours, still I already was yours, but you did not need me enough, or want me enough, or so I have seen.  
You never did show yourself to me completely as I did. Am I a weakling for saying all of this... I do not know... I feel human, or so I guess a human should feel and be. But still a weakling I am, cause that one man you need in your life should be , the master of his fate, and the captain of his ship.  
Fate , the fate he will make with you , cause you did give him faith, as you did with me as well... You like playing with men don’t you? I sincerely want to find your ex-es and rip them apart, make them suffer, You, the one who I, the insecure , afraid, faceless man have put upon my throne of life, of ideals, you have subjugated yourself to many men, only cause your vision was much too limited, but hey, who am I judge? Oh yeah... I am the one who truly, truly got subjugated and chainned down by you, but blind you are, and as such, my words fall on deaf ears, forever entertaining or boring you, what an interesting charade we’re playing, would’nt you agree? Or is it only me who is playing this charade?


End file.
